I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
