Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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