i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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