The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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