I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
