first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
