I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
