mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
