Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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