Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
