we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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