I feel great
I just peed on a car
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
