hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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