She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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