I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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