last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
