I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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