Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
