dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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