Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
