ya dads aren't the best wingmen
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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