Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
