I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
