The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
