mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
