apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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