Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
