you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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