i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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