dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
