life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
