Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
