I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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