She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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