omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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