Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
