seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
