Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
