I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
