man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
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