He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
