I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
