i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
