hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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