They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
What drink are we having for lunch?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
