her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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