Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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