you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
