I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
