then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
